Indian Defence Review

India in its history has seen many periods of war and instability, with the last conventional war being the Kargil War. Since then, there has been a constant state of conflict in parts of Jammu and Kashmir and North-East, owing to acts of terrorism and insurgency¹. Counter-insurgency acts are being carried out in these states to combat the insurgents (Dictionary of Military Terms, 2021). While the casualties of this battle are the Indian Army forces who are martyred in combat, their wives are indirectly affected by its atrocities. Referred to as ‘War Widows’, they are the wives of the defense personnel who have laid down their lives for national security of India during their military service. This study highlights their narratives and subjective experiences of grief while exploring their journey towards rebuilding life.

Using the theoretical framework of Bowlby’s four phases of grief and William Worden’s four tasks of grief, this study looks at the grieving process of war widows (Buglass, 2010; Worden, 2015). Due to the subjective experiences of the war widows, it was found that their process of grieving did not follow the prototype of the theories. Additionally, grieving and the path towards recovery were not a linear process, and many participants would move back and forth between the stages outlined by the theories. The similarities and differences pertaining to the theoretical framework have been highlighted in the context of the present study.

The study also used a social constructivist and gender model to analyse the narratives of the war widows (Avdi & Georgaca, 2007). There is cognizance of experiences being formed through interactions between people and the wider social systems. The stories are interactional in nature as they are situated in contexts of military, society and family. Each of these contexts brings out dominant discourses of how these women should grieve or are expected to grieve. Narratives of patriarchy as well as patriotism influence and shape their stories, often constricting their experiences. While patriarchy expects them to fit into gender stereotypical figures of helpless victims, patriotism expects them to be courageous women living under the spotlight of pride and carrying the weight of the honour by forgoing their own happiness. The war widows found themselves stuck in these images constructed by the society, perhaps for the society. These views were reflected throughout their narratives.

The participants’ narratives were traced from marriage. Participants shared overwhelmingly positive memories of their married life. This may be due to the influence of overriding emotions of grief, love and pain on the memories of the deceased or a feeling that if the deceased were alive, life would be perfect. In order to maintain this illusion of their sufficiency, grievers remember only the good parts about the deceased (Young, 2013). While not invalidating their experiences, these views may have been formed in hindsight or been influenced by the dominant discourse of pride associated to the spouses’ death.

Even before the death, the participants’ were exposed to stressors during the periods of deployment² in the military life (Lipari, Rachel et.al, 2013). Fear of the death of the spouse was found to be one of the main concerns of the military wives (Adams, 2006). The lack of knowledge regarding the spouses’ location and living conditions acted as further stressors. It was found that participants engaged in protective buffering; wherein they did not disclose stressful information to their spouse due to fear of burdening and causing them worry (Afifi, 2010). However, deployment also makes the individuals more resilient to deal with stressors. Similarly, the current study found that many of the participants had successfully managed variant roles and responsibilities during deployment periods. Although stressors existed, many participants considered their spouses immune to its dangers. However, they were confronted with the reality of death when they were informed of the demise.

The death of their spouse took place during counter-insurgency operations pertaining to the national security of India. While the war widows are usually informed of the death in-person, in this day and age of technology; it is sometimes hard to escape the widespread arms of media. While for some participants, the military came as the messenger of death, for others, the news was broken through the dreaded call which confirmed their fears of their partners’ safety. Unfortunately, for two participants media was the first source of news. The suddenness of the death led to intense grief reactions as there was no anticipatory period for the wives (Straub, 2001).

Many participants felt they were in a dream or in another world as they could barely remember details of the last rites. In order to deal with the shock of the loss, this dream state served to protect them from overwhelming emotions. The grief responses ranged from shock, denial, sadness and anger towards God for the injustice of the death. Many participants questioned their ability to live life without their spouses. After shock and denial of the loss, acceptance of its reality settled in as they saw the bodies of their spouse brought in for the last rites. The immediate grief responses of shock, denial and consequent acceptance of the reality were congruent with the first stages of Bowlby³ and Worden’s⁴ theories of grief, respectively (Jeffreys, 2005).

With the acceptance of reality came a wave of overwhelming emotions of pain and sadness. The participants would search and yearn for their spouse through prayer or memorabilia. This searching for the deceased is congruent with the second stage of Bowlby’s theory called yearning for the deceased. In order to deal with the loss, children served as a motivation for participants to move on with their life. Some participants submerged themselves into work to deal with the pain, and many took care of the practical needs of pension and financial documents. For most participants, the heroic nature of the death meant that the sacrifice was meant for the greater good of the nation. The sacrificial nature of the death was also associated with pride. While participants felt proud of their husbands’ sacrifice, the hollowness of this pride was also recognised by these war widows. While it helped in understanding the meaning of the death, pride was not a substitute for the loss. Experiencing the pain and sadness associated with the grief at this phase was congruent with the second task of Worden’s theory of grief⁵. These feelings of grief followed a realisation that the deceased would never come back and they had to live without them which was congruent with the third stage of Bowlby’s theory (Walter, 2009).⁶

It was also found that many war widows did not get the time to mourn as they were confronted with new challenges following their loss. As they were provided with financial assistance and other amenities by the military, this money became a source of fights and trouble within the families. Participants were subjected to emotional and physical violence due to financial disputes in the family.

The society also placed expectations of correct grieving on them. The war widows were constantly under a scanner after the loss to see how they were grieving. During the initial days after the loss, people were eager to help them as the widows fit into the ideal, helpless figure of a widow. However, as soon as the participants decided to be independent and not passive victims of the event, people questioned the sincerity of their grief. If the women moved on with their lives, society saw it as a betrayal to the pride and sacrifice associated with their husbands’ death. It was as if the war widows were mere images and symbols of pride and patriotism associated with their husbands’ demise. In order for the society to draw pride from this image of a war widow, the participants had to freeze their lives to the grief period and forgo their individuality and happiness.

People would also assume that with the amount of money the war widows received, they would forget their husband and move on with their life. As a result, some participants faced insensitive comments regarding their character. Ignoring these claims, the participants would work, take care of practical needs, visit new places and dress as they liked. However, these were unacceptable methods of grieving and society would question the credibility of their tears. Taking a step forward towards a new life without the deceased was seen as betrayal towards the spouse. These aspects would further never let them forget their status as widows.

However, while the society placed challenges in their way, they also served as support (Scott, Bergeman et.al, 2007). Owing to the heroic nature of the death, the society would also shower them with respect and admiration. Participants felt that this respect would sometimes make it easier for them to tread the path of challenges. There was recognition from other people, especially those from the military, who would be grateful for their husbands’ sacrifice. There would be events hosted where they would be publicly thanked for their contribution to the society. Such instances acted as a support from the society and would make them feel proud and inspired to achieve their dreams. However, with such instances, they were also seen to be strong women who could handle anything. Sometimes, the expectation of being a strong woman was tiring.

Support in the form of family, children, neighbours and friends helped them in their journey. Their parents and friends also helped their children to deal with the loss. For some participants, the camaraderie of the military also served as a huge support. The military assistance of a temporary house for four years gave some time to rebuild their lives and find their own space. For some participants, it was a welcome change from the emotional harassment from their in-laws and a chance to be independent. In the military context, they felt more understood as the neighbours recognised their loss and made an effort to make the war widow feel included. However, some of the participants felt that they had to rise up to the challenges and be their own saviours instead of depending on anyone.

Many of the challenges faced by the participants were relational in nature rather than individual. It was found that in order to move on towards the future, the obstacles presented were from the society, family and in-laws. This is based on women’s socialisation as the participants were expected to be mothers, daughter in-laws and war widows and put others needs before their own. Their journeys towards rebuilding life began with their roles as a mother for their children’s future or their role as a daughter-in-law or even providing society with the image of pride that a war widow should be. It was as if the women had to rebuild not their lives but others’ lives and put their own grieving process on hold. As a result of this, participants did not get the time to grieve – either as lovers or as individuals Thus even after five years of the incident, many participants stated that they had not found enough time to grieve for their partners. The gender bias from the society was quite evident. For instance, participants reported that while they had to fulfill their duties towards their children and in-laws, men would have had their mothers, sisters helping them with the children and perhaps, would have re-married soon which would have been socially acceptable. The dominant discourse of patriarchy influences societal expectations towards grieving process for both, men and women.

The narratives of the participants’ journeys also reflected growth stories. In accordance with the literature on post-traumatic growth, it was found that participants were functioning at a level higher than before the loss (Calhoun & Tedeschi, 2014). Post-traumatic growth reflected changes in their self-perception, interpersonal interactions and philosophies of life. They experienced internal, external and spiritual changes wherein they reorganised a new self and learnt to live a life without the deceased. This is in accordance with the third task of Worden’s theory⁷ and is congruent to the last stage of Bowlby’s four process theory, reorganising a new self meant that the participants were creating a world for themselves without the deceased (Jeffreys, 2005).

While the participants worked towards shaping a future for themselves, it was found that they also maintained a connection with their spouses through memorabilia or spaces that they created to remember their spouses (Field, 2004). This is congruent with the final task of Worden’s theory wherein the participant continued to maintain an enduring relationship with their spouses while still moving on with their life (Walter, 2009).

While the participants were creating a future for themselves without the deceased, they had days where they would be especially low. This showed the fluidity of grieving wherein there is no fixed linear way to recovery. The subjective experience of death may not follow the prototype of the theory due to the unique feelings of the individual (Murray, 2005). However, this fluidity of the grieving process was perhaps better understood through Stroebe’s dual process theory (Stroebe, 2010). It was found that the participants’ grief process oscillated between times of loss orientation wherein they would experience sadness and loss of their spouses, and times of restoration-orientation wherein they would be taking on new roles and shaping their future.

The present study provides a holistic view of the different nuances in the lives of war widows. The effects of the death on their lives and the challenges they are confronted with are often in the background of the martyrdom. Thus, the present study focuses on bringing out these voices to the centre as survivors of the tragedy, while also exploring the different facets in the process of rebuilding life.

Implications and Recommendations

The risks associated with the profession as well as the challenges during deployment can lead to a negative impact on psychological well-being and marital satisfaction. Thus, counseling and therapeutic services before joining the military life are imperative for women and men to aid their understanding of the risks associated with this life. This would include empathy building exercises, conversations around death, and information around legal rights post-demise. The sudden death of the husband is crisis-inducing and can lead to prolonged grief reactions. Therefore, counseling services implemented through the military organisation are important during these times, for the wives but also for the elderly (martyrs parents) and children. It is understood that counselors are employed in the military; therefore, as a suggestion they could integrate the aforementioned plan.

It was also noticed that a document enclosing all the rights and information regarding war widows are duly sent to them. Presently, it is sent when the death takes place. The war widows are not in a position to read about their rights during this time. Therefore, it would be advisable to inform them about this as they commence their journey into military life.

The military holds meetings for war widows which has sparse attendance. Resoundingly, all participants reflected that they would like to help others in the same situation as they were. This is an opportunity for the military to set up an experiential helper programme. Firstly, from the updated database of the war widows cell, one can access war widows in different cities. The next step would be to have meetings where all war widows of the particular area are invited. Third, during their interactions, one could initiate a discussion regarding their grievances as well as support systems. Lastly, two war widows can form a pair, wherein the war widow acts as a support and helper for the war widow who has recently suffered from the loss. In this way, an interconnected system could be created where each woman is being helped and is helping another war widow. If women, for personal reasons, do not come for the meeting then they could be asked over the phone if they would like to join this programme.

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Through this programme, two other areas can be fulfilled. Firstly, the war widow cell could absorb and provide employment to some war widows. These war widows would be an experiential counselor for the widows that come to the cell and provide the emotional approach that is required. Secondly, some of the war widows could also be employed as experiential counselor in their existing helpline centers. The war widows would have greater knowledge regarding the practical and emotional assistance required. If needed, these war widows could be provided with course on counseling micro-skills and techniques to hone their skills and knowledge. Therefore, with this, employment opportunities would also be open for the war widows.

Most participants stated that the approach of the state was a bit lackadaisical. They wished to see speedy procedures and more clarity from the office regarding documents. The participants felt that there should be transparency regarding the paperwork being done and its processes. Also, the approach and attitude of the people should be more sensitive towards the war widows.

Future Research

Future research could focus on voices of the children as well as the parents of the martyrs. A detailed research could also be conducted focusing on the mental health impacts on the war widows and the assistance provided. Another endeavour could focus on the future of these war widows relating to intimacy and re-marriage.

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